There is something magical, even intoxicating about finding my writer’s voice. I don’t know how to describe or quantify what it is, but it doesn’t require a degree or a brilliant mind to know when it is there. It’s even more of an inebriate to find the voice you once had. As it begins to emerge it pushes back the fears that what was once there was merely an anomaly, an accident, or even worse an unconscious plagiarism of another’s voice.
I write these blogs with three persons in mind, the first being myself, the second being God, and the third being the reader. Odd that I might put myself first and believe me, I struggled with the ordering. I am currently writing because I was challenged to do so and that little that’s-right-o-meter inside my gut began to swing over into the overload range when the challenge was laid. I kind of think it came from the Holy Spirit, delivered by a friend in the course of a conversation. Of course that would make the first priority to be writing for God, but the carrot dangled was that it would provide catharsis for my damaged soul, making me the the priority.
Not to argue the point or chase down too many happy squirrel paths, but I knew that of the first few posts on my blog that at least during the course of writing a couple of them that I had indeed found my voice. I knew it as it was happening and felt it even as I was publishing.
Not too many people read blogs and I don’t yet know how to promote my own. As I alluded to earlier, I am writing for catharsis rather than distribution, but out of a relative few Facebook friends who were prompted by a link to my blog a few actually went and sent back some very encouraging comments. There you go, voice found, Spirit blessed, and encouragement dispensed.
Now I have entered week three of a personal era that I have been calling being born again-again and now, rather than the effusive gushing of heartfelt blogthought that I posted daily, I have been avoiding the page and the process. I had to question why. Sometimes finding answers in my own heart is a game of hide and seek. My true feelings are often hidden even from my own inquisitive eye behind veils and false fronts of motive and doubt.
I have come to the conclusion and am posting this by way of confession, I have been avoiding writing because of fear of failure, or fear of success. I can’t really put my finger on which one it is.
With each writing that has that one two punch of readability and reliability the bar of achievement inched just a little bit higher. Sitting down to write what is in my heart (heart, brain, doesn’t matter) I am distracted by the chattering doubt of whether my next offering will be as good as my last, or will it in fact be so brilliant that I will never again be able to vault over the mark and onto the mat of victory. I am also troubled by the doubt of whether it will be a worthy read or a let down to those who are following these posts.
This is in no way different than many of the wars that wage between my ears regarding my journey as Christ Follower. I was reading in John chapter 3 yesterday for my devotional time in the morning. I browsed through the most often read parts of that Chapter and got near the end. I started to realize at verse 21 that those of us who are Christ Followers are supposed to live in broad daylight, to live our faith out loud and in plain sight of others.
To live faith boldly in the light is to have the same experiences. One can possibly be afraid to succeed so well that anything less than stellar would be considered a fail, while at the same time be just as concerned about failure in a public way that would bring discredit to oneself and to the Jesus we follow.
I have written about my failures plenty since I started the journey so I won’t go into that again. The way I see it there is no third option. It is like the old guy in the Karate Kid said, “Either do, or don’t do”. Failure or success has meaning only in the mind. In real life, the life of a Christ Follower, there is only do or don’t do.
So given the option of “do or don’t do” or for an even finer point of “write or don’t write” I will take the chance and do, and write, and trust that the outcomes are based more upon Christ and His ability to do rather than my own.
I’ll be praying for you, that your faith will not fail!