What am I doing here?

There is always this little discontent that gnaws away in some deep recess of my psyche. I’m never quite sure why I always feel like I am somehow missing a deeper point, I just do.

I try to live in the moment. I do that mostly because I really don’t do well with planning. With plans come expectations and expectations seldom make reality. Besides, my expectations are almost always bigger inside than what I say. It’s a lie, a little lie, but my expectations are ridiculously grand. So I use creative expression while my heart is making grand speculation.

So what am I doing here. You choose which context for here you prefer. There is some stuff going on now. After some negotiation with what I believe is the Holy Spirit, I have accepted the role and challenge of being a pastor in the new parish. We will see if the label sticks. I am more of a Missional entrepreneur. This means I deliberately started a business in order to further Christ’s Kingdom mission. On the surface I cut hair. Sub level I am a clandestine agent surreptitiously planting seeds of longing in the imagination of my unsuspecting guest. That seems to be working out quite well.

Of course I am a father. I have young children at home, grown one’s that have their own homes, and surrogate ones for whom I provide a father’s gift when their own is unavailable.

I am grandpa too. Oldest grandchild is seven years older than youngest child, if that offers any kind of perspective.

I’m a husband also. I failed at that before. I think I am doing it ok now. I love my wife more each day! It helps that she gets prettier each day. I tell her too. It’s mushy to watch and too steamy to write about here.

Here on earth I’ve traveled most of it. I’ve walked the halls of the Vatican, visited ruins on the islands of Greece, and walked the real Via Dolorosa inside the walled city of old Jerusalem. Oh, I saw the pyramids at Giza too.

I’ve stood on the bridge over the Corinthian Canal, traversed the Panama Canal and I even swam over the Marianas Trench.
I’ve been to all fifty states, four provinces of Canada and three Mexican states.

For a living I have worked on boats, repaired ships, carried a badge and gun, sold any number of things and played guitar. I’ve driven trucks, forklifts and excavators, worked with troubled youth, troubled adults and worked at overcoming my own troubles from time to time.

I’m sure I’ve left stuff out. Point is that I’ve done stuff and lots of it. Still, though maybe all that is the reason I feel it, still the feeling of it remains. I feel like I’m missing out. Maybe missing it. That’s ok. It sort of drives me to find the adventure in the now and look for the next epic moment. I might just find it and will be satisfied, deeply satisfied, for a moment or two.

One thought on “What am I doing here?

  1. surrender884 March 28, 2016 / 9:40 pm

    For years I didn’t know my purpose. Then after much conviction and realizing life I was living was a dead end. That’s when I found the movement called iamsecond . Everything changed after living second. I started a blog to share my faith, though I let the spirit move me to write instead of just doing it my way.

    Like

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